Who Steals Snails?

"Someone has stolen a snail."

(Laughter)

"Serious. There were three snails. Now there are two."

"It's there. You probably just can't see it in the weed and that.."

"No. I would have been able to. It's not there. It's gone. It must've been pinched!"

"By who? Er..Captain Macheath..?"

(Sarcastic laughter)

"There were three snails. Now there are two. It's gone. See for yourself."

(Examines culture)

"Yes. Only two. But it can't have been stolen..."

"Why 'can't' it have been stolen?"

"A pond snail?"

"It's not just a pond snail, that. It's like, an exotic type."

"No it isn't. There aren't any 'exotic' pond snails. Even if there were, where's our mysterious exotic-snail spotting thief going to flog it?"

"You're only interested in motive. We haven't got to motive yet. It's just facts for now."

"Alright! But abscence of a single pond snail doesn't make thievery a 'fact'."

"There is no other explanation."

"The phantom pond snail pilferer of foggy London town strikes again, eh?"

"Stop trying to distract me with silliness."

(In some sort of imitative voice): "Arrr...what luck" An exotic pond snail with five figure 'street value' just lying around here for the taking!"

"Stop."

"Why don't we flog the other two...or would anyone else notice they're gone and get us sent to Alcatraz? Maybe we're already being framed! Maybe..."

"There it is."

"..."

"Here. It's under the table top. It must've worked it's way out of the culture....it's been escaping while we spoke."

(Genuine amazement): "That's...amazing. How'd it manage...how...how did it do that? Can it do that?"

"It has. We'd better put a lid on the culture."

"Under the table top! That's...that's devious, that is!"

"Whatever..get over it. As long as they weren't stolen."