Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Home invasion TV series suggestion

Working Title: "Sod up yer life!"

It's really rather self-explanatory; "Every week our team of guerilla (spelt wrong in the opening credits) experts take on one ordinairy "dweeby" family somewhere out in the grey 'burbs and...sod up their lives!"

The team:

The Introducer, Billy Soddy, speaks nothing but hysterical hype-speak from the word go. He "glibs" his way through the whole program, introducing the team in typically exagerated fashion; turning up first to sneer at the unfortunate "invaded" family's existing unimproved car, home, garden, etc. Lines like "Oooh, this is so seventies...", or "What is this...a cheese on wheels", and so on. Billy Soddy wears a shiny suit, and lends no hand to any actual work, "improving" or otherwise.

The "wild and crazy" B'Jones and his team of "over the top" car stylists will transform the family car(s) "from yawn to ROAR!". B'Jones' catchphrase is a simple loud and cocky "B'Jones"ing things, i.e. "These wheels need a B'Jones!", or "When I B'Jones that Mazda, it's gonna know it's been B'Jonesed!". The viewers don't really need to see much of the actual mechanics (who actually know anything) at work. The more outrageous, pointless and downright ugly the conversions, the better. The emphasis should be on things like complicated stereo systems with speakers twice the size of the engine, etc.

Arabella the "go-getter" is the really major "privacy invader". She uses the term "privacy invasion" as a catch-phrase. Her big thing is bullying and coercing people into making snap decisions about throwing away their precious stuff. She reverts to a broad, coarse "G'wan..slam it in the bin!" for this; perhaps bellowed through a megaphone. Arabella is also part of the redeceration crew, and big on coercing the unfortunate "invaded" family into taking part in the unwanted, hideous "re-deck" suggestions.

Tatoo Meg is covered in incomprehensible tatoos and with numerous large and unattractive (and infected) piercings. She has the standard black fright wig and heavily blackened lips and eyelids. Tatoo Meg is labile; skinny, mercurial and neurotic. The running theme is that most of the "invaded" victims resist her services at first; but she wins them over through a long series of tantrums and breakdowns and recriminations about how "judgemental" they all are. Finally, one unfortunate family member will allow a small, discreet tatoo or a piercing (depending on time), i.e. the family granny will agree to having a "bull-nose" piercing, or the fed-up family father will allow her to tatoo the name of his favourite beer or sports team on his shoulder. Tatoo Meg, like the others in the team, motormouths gibberish.

Cowboy Spig, a.k.a "The Spig" is a silent, masked character in overalls. What he does is runs out of time and fails with really major projects. The introducer builds him up to tackle some special task, and it ends up with him making a huge, ugly, unfinished eyesore, i.e. "The Spig" will be set to "build a wonderful patio with crystal fountains, sea-shell inlays, onyx paths and greek statues", but the closing credits show that the back garden is now a wasteland of broken crockery with "The Spig" in the middle of it, hammering angrily at rocks with a crowbar or sledgehammer.

I have two "chef" suggestions:

"Jock", the angry, "yobbo", foul-mouthed, abusive chef who lays into the family for the contents of their fridge, or the dinner one of them is making at the conveniently timed "home invasion". "Clever" dialogue along the lines of; "F-! Cod Steaks??? F-! What's wrong with you f-ing people?? Don't you know anything about flavours?", etc.

"Marcel", the French(ish) chef who is introduced with a lot of fleeb about how he worked so and so many years at L'azĂ´le in Cannes, and has two Michelin stars (and a Good Year Blimp!). Marcel would appear to have a drinking problem which renders him sadly inadequate; knocking over saucepans, collapsing in corners, singing slurred songs, etc.

So that's the team. The details of the home-invasion can be very simply worked out, and a format constructed that everyone watching will understand immediatley. No bloody nonsense about challenging the viewer!

So, calling all producers, how about it?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Miniature Bacon & Eggs

Miniature Bacon and Eggs,
Miniature Bacon and Eggs,
Make me a lot of them,
Can't get enough of them!
Miniature Bacon and Eggs!

How quietly creeps the rust

So quietly creeps the rust,
across the hotel roof,
reducing to red dust,
all that was water-proof.

So slowly spreads the patch,
over the metal panels,
how gradually they detach,
the screws in twisted channels.

How slowly works corrosion,
upon this old hotel,
like a very slow explosion,
unheard by the personnel.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Thuvia, Maid of Mars

Thuvia, Maid of Mars,
Rested on my bookshelf,
From I was eleven,
And I never read it;
not even now have I read it.

As such,
I couldn't really say
What Thuvia, Maid of Mars,
was made of.

But I read in the Sun,
That there is life on Mars,
(or there at least
may very possibly be
very likely conditions
that don't exclude
life on Mars,
or something)

But Alas; no Thuvia!


Spring is in the air,
Grease is in the hair,
We are neither here nor there,
We can't find which clothes to wear..



Spring in our step!
We don't really need,
to worry too much,
about those clothes, eh?